Here Again.

Here I am again. Unsure. Disappointed. Sad.

We broke-up. He's so mad/sad/angry/confused/scared right now. This all just seems surreal right now.

I felt so sad. We were happy sometimes but I've been in this place lately where our relationship was not what I wanted. My energy to drive two hours to see him was drained. My excitement for our weekends was nothing compared to the beginning. It was like another area of my life to juggle- not something enhancing it.

We got in a fight last night over dinner and I just couldn't do it anymore. It was an awful end to the evening. And he had to drive the two hours home after it. My sister is staying with me post-graduation right now so all of this happened with her in my house witnessing our tear stained faces when we came home, him getting his bag and leaving. And I'm still here, cooking, cleaning, walking the dog and being the strong one, acting like my life isn't completely upside down.

And I'm Off

I leave Wednesday for New York. I'm only staying until Friday but I'm so excited for the time I have there!

I asked Harry to accompany me and it brought up all the conversations about why and how I could leave him for a year. So, with the trip growing closer and rates growing higher, I resolved myself to my unarguable state of adulthood.

I can travel alone.

I have GPS on my phone so I can navigate the streets. Machines are second best to a travel companion. I got a free cruise thing with my Expedia booking so I will have something cool to do Thursday afternoon. That is, after I scour the American Museum of Natural History. I'm looking at it as my two nights to live like Rachel, Phoebe, Carrie Bradshaw, Jerry Seinfeld and that chick from Coyote Ugly.

Well, I was until Harry called me and said, "I will go with you. I don't understand but if you want me to go, I will." He said he would wait for me - for an entire year- if he had to - and he didn't want me going alone. We booked tickets for him within the hour. My blood pressure went down about 100 points- as did my desire to leave the country for a year.

I now merely have to follow him like a pup to the next destination, not grip my pepper spray like a wimpy country mouse and won't be tempted to talk it out with myself as I walk through the streets.

So, I have the schedule all written out, dinner reservations for Thursday night and am just now taking a break from ironing, packing and trying on clothes for the trip. I'm so excited- I adore action, busyness and feeling like I'm in the middle of LIFE.

With my man.

Guess who has an interview in New York City?

ME!

Thaaat's right- April 29th at 10 a.m. I'm planning to go enjoy myself Wednesday-Friday. I promised Harry I would run a race with him on Saturday so, I shall return for our 5k.

And by the way, I'm telling him tonight. It's been sort of the unspoken subject for the past several weeks. I sent him this huge email explaining all my reasoning for wanting to go on an adventure, live my life, advance my career, etc. He's not thrilled. He tried to be supportive, but he's not for it. Bottom line.

It's understandable- he wants the opposite. Us to be together, not thousands of miles apart. But me, being inside my body and not his, wants the support of my partner.

And I want a traveling buddy. I admit I have been coward-like and invited my sister and 3 other girlfriends to go with me (all unavailable). So, who knows if it would be a good idea for him to go, or if he could. But doing NYC alone is not as inviting as with a companion.

But, let me put a plug in for the mom. I need some medical history for this application process. So, that's one thing I need to make the mom call on. And I haven't mentioned any of this stuff to her- but I need to if I'm traveling to New York. I was in between the gym and dinner with like 20 minutes for a shower and clothing change and we talked about her Zumba class for like, 15 minutes before I had a chance to get to the topic so I just said, "Do you have my medical history?" She said, "I'll look. Want me to mail it?" And no further questions! Thank you God for my not nosy mom!!!

So, I'm about to pass out from sleeping 6 hours last night and doing Step and Sculpt today. Right now I think I love my life.

Focus: Things That are Awesome

My problem lately is that I have no idea what I want in my life. Let us take a look at what is cool, makes me happy and then see if I can refocus on those things and figure out my direction a little better.

• Cake. The band and the food.
• Pottery with a side of sunshine and good friends. Or interested strangers. It's a toss up really.
• Eating out.
• Music.
• Outside, especially at my college. (Graduated 4 years ago...)
• Reading.
• Writing.
• Helping people. Too broad of a concept though. How about, helping kids, helping my sisters or my parents.
• Kitties and puppies. Why not like the mainstream joys?
• Plants.
• Travel.
• DIY projects.
• Feeling like I'm in the middle of it. Being out in the bustle. Doing stuff and seeing stuff.
• Clowns. No, I hate these.
• Friends. Nice ones. Not ones that say they have to do laundry instead of hangout with me. Ones that invite me to star parties.
• I really like The Office. It was soooo good last night. That's what she said.
• My savings account. I'm so proud that I've been able to make it into something when it was at zero last year this time when I started this blog. It's like my little account of possibility.
• My new Bible Study I'm in; Beth Moore, Esther.
• The new dress I got at Ross tonight. (Yes, lets end on a materialistic note.) Even though its an XL in juniors. My boobs needed some room- I'm no teeny bopper anymore. Ok, all of me needed the room. (I hid the size on the hanger from Cute Gay Mike that granted me dressing room access. So silly but I'm prideful.)

I need to try new things more. Putting myself in the middle of things and seeing new areas of this little town I start to get down about. There's two open houses this week of two businesses. I'm gonna go. I never do that stuff because I have to mingle and make small talk. Alas. I will suck it up and go.

Update 1: Read the London email wrong. I will know the week of April 12. Not April 12. So glad I checked my email about 20x before checking my facts.

Update 2: Liking Harry these days. Possibly leaning more towards the sensible life of dating nice men rather than the more exotic life of a year abroad. But who knows.

The Schedule

April 12. The day I am supposed to hear from the London program I applied for as to if I have an interview or not.

I was thinking that was a long time away but its Monday. I haven't heard anything yet. If I do get an interview, I will fly to New York City for it.

So, upcoming April-May, my little sister will graduate May 8, all my family is coming to visit (even my sister and her hubby and baby from Europe!). May 23-25 I'm going to Kansas for my cousin's wedding. And somewhere in there, I might be taking a trip to NYC.

My sister and I also want to take a two-week trip to Costa Rica in June or July.

And then perhaps I will leave for London in August.

I'm really excited at the prospect of all this- I miss airports and planes. Even though my parents will be on the only flight I have confirmed thus far, I have high hopes for my summer travels.

Side note: Harry was invited to the wedding (by me) but he doesn't have enough money.

So, basically, I'm going to work, putting up with the insanity, trying to leave by five and ready for an invitation to take a leap from my current life to my next adventure.

Until then, I will be excited about my flight to my family reunion!

Relationship SWOT Analysis

I had a great weekend. My sister and I went to Harry's for Easter weekend (yes, he is still around) and hung out with his family, watched basketball and relaxed. It was really great- so good to hang out in a family atmosphere, great to get Harry's hugs and affection, and to just have a quiet(ish) weekend based on all American family company and values.

Sometimes this is what I long for- hugs anytime I want, people to co-exist with and time to relax and not get caught-up in the weekend/evening rush of filling the time and loneliness with random entertainments and night scenes. Time to enjoy someone who knows me and I know them. Its a relaxed scene without masks, unknowns and wild cards. Gosh its nice to have that rest.

But then, I've never really been one to rest. One totally stagnant summer in my college days I definitively decided that I would choose to be overloaded than bored any day. So, when I get rested up, I'm thirsty for that sensory overload and have more energy for the work it takes to get out in the bustle and am even energized from it.

So that makes it really complicated when considering settling down, getting married, having kids, owning a home, folding clothes x2, having to cook from time to time, keeping pantries stocked and all those other things that the person you don't have to wear your mask around depends upon in a partnership.

Somewhere along the way I've picked up the advice that when "you know you know" or "when its right you'll know." But gosh, I like Harry and he likes me but marriage scares me to death! So based upon the above ideology, I would then be lead to believe, "when you don't know, the answer's no" or, "When it's wrong, you won't know." But I don't know if it's that simple. Gosh, I wish it was.

I tend to focus on everything that's wrong with us- all the things that bother me- because those are the areas of improvement, right? The other things are in the bag- up to par, so lets attack, analyze and obsess over those other top 10 items in the SWOT analysis under W and T.

Like, why the heck did he buy a freaking 4-bedroom house in no-mans land? He only uses the living room and bedroom (well, and both bathrooms) for goodness sake (oh man, come to thing of that, my stupid toilet is waiting for me to unclog it, UGH, come on, its TOILET PAPER! WHY are you clogging with mere PAPER. Love the 'efficient' water saving feature but when I have to flush 3 times to get the job done, it counter acts this selling point!! And I only have one bathroom by the way so it is mission essential). Anyway, It takes 20-30 minutes to get to any decent store, restaurant or venue and another 30 to get out of the suburbs into the city. And, I never thought of myself as a gold digger but his attitude towards money and finances is REALLY an issue. He can't go overseas with me this summer because of $$ and I'm pretty sure he is the higher earner- and has 5 years of working on me (which should equate to 5 years of savings, right? Especially living at home for the starting out years?). I have this ideal that a man should be able to take care of me. My mom stayed home, my sister stays home. I like working and having a life not centered on the home but I really like the idea that my man can take care of me 100%. Thats manly to me.

So that rant being said, what's under S & O? His strengths include loyalty, 100% dedication to me, communication and his ability to relate to me. He writes me emails everyday during the week still. Some are just day to day conversation but some are just sweet little things he wants to keep in the front of my mind. He tells me his intentions- to be with me. He wants me and all of me. He finds me attractive inside and out and I don't have to feel any doubt of not living up to his ideals. He wants to be my other, accompany me as I go about my life and me to be by his side as he goes about his. He is very particular- he wants the best and will work for it. He keeps his house impeccably clean, sends really pretty flowers and remembers details. Opportunities include a partnership, a lifetime of enriching one another. Being with someone that only wants one kid (maaaaaybe two if the first one goes reeeeeeaaaaaally well) and having those little major things in harmony with one another. Also, on the more surface level, having someone to follow you to the car place, keep you from being completely miserable during a stomach flu and share trash duty with (actually, I'm happy to give that one up 100% :).

So, all that poured out, is it my love for variety, unknowns and autonomy that are confusing me and keeping me from wanting to plan a June wedding or is it my 20/20 vision of all the threats and weaknesses? Sure, time reveals all but I'm tired of waiting. I waited 3 years with Mr. Nice Guy. Harry and I are coming up on a year and I'm ready for some answers.

So, here's to all the other impatient, confused and searching souls out there. May we enjoy a night on the town AND a night on the couch in the near future to appease our bipartisan needs.

Sleep Walking

I'm having a quarter-life crisis. And yes, I admit it, I'm a fair-weather blogger. I haven't needed this for the past few months but now I'm freaking out and my energy for optimism is fizzling. I've been feeling rather directionless the past few weeks. Each day is a bit mundane. I have no goal. No pressing project nor exciting prospects.

And then today I was sitting at lunch bragging about my upcoming summa cum laude graduating little sister and said, "Graduation is only two month away," with a bit of sadness. Then I realized today is April 1st. Graduation is a mere month and some little days away. My sister is leaving me. As she should- but I have no reason to stay here without her.

So, I've got to find something to do with my life but in this downward slope of mine I have no positive outlook or drive to run after new lives. Its just all so exhausting and I'm already sleeping through my alarm in the mornings for a solid hour.

And I wasn't joking about London by the way. I applied for a program over there (some days I have a little spark inside myself). But I don't find out about that for a while so I'm just waiting. waiting. always waiting.

I need some encouragement. I need a change of scenes. I need a housemate so I don't have to seek company by setting up for the evening to read at Barnes and Noble and then having a Westside Story style (never seen it) fight literally play out 6 feet in front of me. The live unedited version complete with f-bombs, the loudest 20 year old woman you have ever experienced and the police.

I mostly need a nap I guess so thanks for coming back and reading. I can't believe you all still wanted to check in with me. That does make me smile. For real.