Relationship SWOT Analysis

I had a great weekend. My sister and I went to Harry's for Easter weekend (yes, he is still around) and hung out with his family, watched basketball and relaxed. It was really great- so good to hang out in a family atmosphere, great to get Harry's hugs and affection, and to just have a quiet(ish) weekend based on all American family company and values.

Sometimes this is what I long for- hugs anytime I want, people to co-exist with and time to relax and not get caught-up in the weekend/evening rush of filling the time and loneliness with random entertainments and night scenes. Time to enjoy someone who knows me and I know them. Its a relaxed scene without masks, unknowns and wild cards. Gosh its nice to have that rest.

But then, I've never really been one to rest. One totally stagnant summer in my college days I definitively decided that I would choose to be overloaded than bored any day. So, when I get rested up, I'm thirsty for that sensory overload and have more energy for the work it takes to get out in the bustle and am even energized from it.

So that makes it really complicated when considering settling down, getting married, having kids, owning a home, folding clothes x2, having to cook from time to time, keeping pantries stocked and all those other things that the person you don't have to wear your mask around depends upon in a partnership.

Somewhere along the way I've picked up the advice that when "you know you know" or "when its right you'll know." But gosh, I like Harry and he likes me but marriage scares me to death! So based upon the above ideology, I would then be lead to believe, "when you don't know, the answer's no" or, "When it's wrong, you won't know." But I don't know if it's that simple. Gosh, I wish it was.

I tend to focus on everything that's wrong with us- all the things that bother me- because those are the areas of improvement, right? The other things are in the bag- up to par, so lets attack, analyze and obsess over those other top 10 items in the SWOT analysis under W and T.

Like, why the heck did he buy a freaking 4-bedroom house in no-mans land? He only uses the living room and bedroom (well, and both bathrooms) for goodness sake (oh man, come to thing of that, my stupid toilet is waiting for me to unclog it, UGH, come on, its TOILET PAPER! WHY are you clogging with mere PAPER. Love the 'efficient' water saving feature but when I have to flush 3 times to get the job done, it counter acts this selling point!! And I only have one bathroom by the way so it is mission essential). Anyway, It takes 20-30 minutes to get to any decent store, restaurant or venue and another 30 to get out of the suburbs into the city. And, I never thought of myself as a gold digger but his attitude towards money and finances is REALLY an issue. He can't go overseas with me this summer because of $$ and I'm pretty sure he is the higher earner- and has 5 years of working on me (which should equate to 5 years of savings, right? Especially living at home for the starting out years?). I have this ideal that a man should be able to take care of me. My mom stayed home, my sister stays home. I like working and having a life not centered on the home but I really like the idea that my man can take care of me 100%. Thats manly to me.

So that rant being said, what's under S & O? His strengths include loyalty, 100% dedication to me, communication and his ability to relate to me. He writes me emails everyday during the week still. Some are just day to day conversation but some are just sweet little things he wants to keep in the front of my mind. He tells me his intentions- to be with me. He wants me and all of me. He finds me attractive inside and out and I don't have to feel any doubt of not living up to his ideals. He wants to be my other, accompany me as I go about my life and me to be by his side as he goes about his. He is very particular- he wants the best and will work for it. He keeps his house impeccably clean, sends really pretty flowers and remembers details. Opportunities include a partnership, a lifetime of enriching one another. Being with someone that only wants one kid (maaaaaybe two if the first one goes reeeeeeaaaaaally well) and having those little major things in harmony with one another. Also, on the more surface level, having someone to follow you to the car place, keep you from being completely miserable during a stomach flu and share trash duty with (actually, I'm happy to give that one up 100% :).

So, all that poured out, is it my love for variety, unknowns and autonomy that are confusing me and keeping me from wanting to plan a June wedding or is it my 20/20 vision of all the threats and weaknesses? Sure, time reveals all but I'm tired of waiting. I waited 3 years with Mr. Nice Guy. Harry and I are coming up on a year and I'm ready for some answers.

So, here's to all the other impatient, confused and searching souls out there. May we enjoy a night on the town AND a night on the couch in the near future to appease our bipartisan needs.

I just watched Confessions of Shopaholic. Rebbecca, Isla Fisher's character, has a great relationship with her roommate. They are best friends, understand each other and take care of each other. Then her roommate gets engaged. I couldn't help but almost be brought to tears at what that meant for their friendship. The storyline goes nowhere near that topic but all I could think about was how their friendship, living situation and lives would never be the same.

In my life, I have seen so many people get married. And everything changes. I remember at my sister's wedding I gave my maid of honor speech and told her husband she was more his now than mine. Right I was. She lives a couple thousand miles away from me now and they are living their lives. I was maid of honor in one other wedding and the bride now lives on the opposite coast from me. Another close friend of mine recently got engaged and now our weekly dinners and weekend ventures are not so weekly.

Other people's love has taken my friends so far away from me. Why do I even chase it? I should be mad at love with its blinding tactics and status-quo modifications. I should be mad at it for taking my friends away from me. But there is no way I could be. I'm so happy for my friends.

Love is crazy like that. It can swoop in, churn up homes, jobs, styles, patterns and tastes and we welcome it. We relish in it. I think we all long for something to come in and change life as we know it in exchange for something wonderful. Seeing other people go through it simply makes me see that it is possible. Even if they move across the country (or out of it) and find better things to do than drink 2 for 1 margaritas with me.

I'm not saying its ok to ditch your friends for a significant other. Friends are essential to a happy life. But, you would be in denial if you said marriage does not change friendship. So why do we want love so much? Because that's simply the kind of creatures we are. We are made to love. And what better love can be found that with someone you decide to be your partner through thick and thin for the rest of your life.

A Black Sheep in Love

One of my friend's little sisters is getting married. Its one of those jaw dropping naysayer inspiring situations. She has kinda been one of those "black sheep" children. Daughter of ultra conservative christian parents, she had done her own thing, not sought their approval and been extremely independent while her other siblings relied pretty heavily on them. She was the one that when all the siblings got in trouble, she purposely stirred the pot to make a point that no one could control her. Throughout high school and college she continued to stress that point while doing her own thing and going for what she wanted. She has been pretty successful, had fun along the way, had her share of troubles, but overall succeeded and given her parents a good bit of grief along the way.

I too have always tried to keep my parents at arms length and do it my own dang self. Once at about age 10, I spilled watercolor paints all over my sweet white bedroom carpet. After scrubbing it with one of our pink bathroom washcloths and had only proven mastery of co-mingling the blue with the yellow with the green with the red, I decided rather than asking mommy for the carpet cleaner and her stain removing expertise why not just handle it internally and eliminate the problem? So, I just cut off the top layer of carpet, tossed it in the trash and went about my painting. Twas a beautiful day. (Yes, I got in trouble later despite my moderately convincing denial)

I've struggled with the conservative, restrictive parents and a free, curious spirit pretty much all my life. My crazy internal rebellious self gets pleasure from doing things my own way, apart from however my parents would like me to do it. I love to prove them wrong by succeeding on my own terms... when they would have never recommended that route. This often gets me in trouble because sometimes I do things they would hate that are not for any fruitful purpose, and I should probably just listen to them and take their advice.

Being an independent girl and whimsical, unconventional weirdo at that, its hard to simply fall into a christian homes expectations. I have a need to figure things out myself and that often means trial and error whether that's a good thing or not. While I have a desire to be different I also do have an underlying desire to simply be good, follow God and be at peace with my parents and their wishes.

So, let me relate all this back to my original story. Well, Black Sheep Daughter has dated all over the playing field. Older guys, frat guys, non-christian guys and stupid lesser than her guys. Most recently she out of the blue broke it off with a sweet (but rather boring in my opinion) long term boy. One month later, she got a text from a cute, but extremely aloof, outspoken, silly, crazy guy from this little bitty church they go to. From there they were basically inseparable. Hes a crazy christian guy and she has since given up all forms of drinking, her plans to live in a major city post graduation miles away from her parents and accepted his proposal (of marriage!) 3 months after receiving the first text message. Now, merely two months later, she is just days away from tying the knot.

Its been so fast. And her parents approve so much. And she hangs out with him with her parents. A lot. Everyone is gawking at the speed of the relationship, the change in black sheep daughter and her complete okayness with settling down at 21 as a little tee-totalling, parental loving housewife.

I was pretty shocked at first too. But now I get it. Being restless and rebellious and self gratifying are only symptoms of situations and beliefs... not character traits. No one wants to be a black sheep, or sinful or independent to a fault. We just want to be loved. Black Sheep Daughter finally saw through her choices and saw what was important. She finally saw how she could live with her beliefs and be herself. And she saw it in this crazy, unconventional boy who fell in love with her craziness and her love of God underneath all the rebelling.

We all have this desire to be one with God, to be loved by God and others and to love God and others our own self. We also all have the natural tendency to run from this because of our selfishness and human tendencies. In Black Sheep Daughter's love story I see her winning this battle.

I am not saying I need the love of a man to help me win my battle but that her story inspires me to keep fighting it and that what I truly want and need will win in the end.