Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Business As Normal

At approximately 9:30 p.m. I started shaking. It wasn't too bad for the most part of the morning. I conducted business as normal. Every time I looked at the clock though I got butterflies in my stomach... and not the fun kind.

At 11:20 my shaking bumped up to about 90 miles an hour. I must have burned off the entire grande mocha and 1/2 wheat bagel I ate for breakfast in the next 40 minutes of violent trembling. I shook all the way from my office to the bathroom and managed to break my name badge and hair clip in that brief excursion from the inconsistent pressures ejecting from my finger tips.

I headed out of the building and made it to the restaurant without wrecking my car or forgetting where I was going. I did my best "walk like a superstar" strut into the restaurant just in case he was watching me. The Beautiful One was ready and waiting for me like a perfect gentleman at the front of the place and already had a table. Once seated I tried to adjust my notebook on the table and the obviousness of my shaking was so embarrassing I just sat with my hands in my lap and didn't even attempt to open the menu to read it. I didn't drink my drink. I didn't talk with my hands. I sat like a still freak so I wouldn't prove I was actually a real freak.

Yay me.

I think I actually didn't look at anything but his face the entire lunch. I couldn't eat my food. Who can eat when your nerves have totally consumed any thoughts of ever enjoying food in your life?

I couldn't tell you what he ordered. I couldn't tell you if he ate his food. I don't actually remember him lifting a fork to his mouth. The waiter did take his plate long before mine, I wonder if he inhaled it? How rude.

I can tell you he was growing some facial hair. I can tell you exactly how his hair is cut. I can tell you exactly how the skin transitions from his neck to his chin. I can tell you all about his eyes and mouth.

Oh, and I can tell you from the first time he said "we" I was in denial. I told myself the "we" was a friendly non-threatening male roommate or best friend. Well, that theory was smashed in my completely full plate of food when he told me his wedding is in 24 days.

Why the heck are we having lunch!!??!!

I guess because he is borderline perfect and actually cares about his job and his clients and people he meets in the business world. And because I'm a cool chic that any perfect business guy would enjoy lunch with. I guess the other ones do ask me to lunch and I just turn them down on account of their not so stare worthy faces and very chubby neck to chin transitions.

Naturally, I pouted the rest of the day.

But I did end up pulling off the lunch beautifully. The shakes subsided after the first ten minutes and I did manage to eat like 1/8 of my meal. My charm bubbled up and we clicked like the first meeting day and I made jokes, flipped hair and we discussed our 20 something hopes and dreams.

So, The Beautiful One walked away having paid for my wasted lunch, reminding me not to be a stranger and thanking me for coming all the way out to see him. I still think it was an odd random invitation but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

And really freaking hungry mid-afternoon.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Tomorrow is the day.
In anticipation of my reunion with The Beautiful One, and because I am an ambitious goal oriented person, I went shopping. If you are going lunching, you might as well do it in style. So, even if he is taken, I can make him feel regretful. No, that's mean. So I can at least feel confident enough to sit through lunch with him. That is now the goal.

Option Numero Uno:
The Silk Oriental Floral Dress

Pros: It is super cute. I absolutely adore dresses and you don't have to match much with it.
Cons: Though the dress isn't as freaking short on me as it is on the model it still is kinda short and I'm afraid I would feel totally ridiculous and naked back at the office. And since some people seem to think work is the main event tomorrow and I have to buy into these ridiculous medieval aged ideals, I might should rethink the short skirt/long work day combo .

Numero dos:
The Ann Taylor Loft Rosette Flutter Sleeve Top

Pros: Matches a ton of stuff, very flattering, the flowers make my non-existent boobs look a little more interesting.

Cons: Not as fiery and fun as the dress, thus not truly representing the true inner me. However, he probably can't take all that up front. Just think of Jillian in the bachelorette. She finally let out her fire and then it was all over.

I think I need to save the fire. And the security of my job. The flutter top is the winner. Oh yeah, and its freaking cold here.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Prep Time

In response to the sudden flurry of social engagements that has hit my calendar, I decided I needed to workout everyday this week, eat healthy, get a hair cut and pick out some awesome outfits.

So, the first night, I did 45 minutes of pilates while thinking how great my legs look while upside down on the floor.

It was down hill from there.

The second night I cooked dinner, ate too much, felt awful, and laid on the couch the rest of the night.

The third night, was the night of the first date on my list. I came home late from work and as is my habit, took off my pants and sat on the couch. I realized I needed to clean up a bit as the date was taking place in my place of residence. So I walked around, decided to change my sheets, did some laundry and sat on the couch. I got back up, picked up the dirty clothes off my bathroom floor and got back on the couch. I talked on the phone, checked my email started to walk back to the couch and saw Mr. Nice guy walking up my walkway.

So, as does any girl when her date arrives, (at least on TV), I made him wait at the door while I finished getting ready (translated: while I put on my pants). So, I pulled off last night- in style, with my new Ann Taylor jeans serving as the perfect finishing touch.

Now I am supposed to be continuing my path of self improvement for the blind meet up with the Scientist Roommate this weekend. So I ordered pizza and cheesy bread for just me tonight and had a mini fiesta in my living room. I'm not really feeling the pilates vibe tonight so Mr. Scientist will just have to enjoy me along with the pooch on my stomach that I added to my figure tonight.

To my credit though, I did watch Greys Anatomy while sitting on my yoga mat tonight so I feel like that gives me some points towards improving my aura or finding my center at least a smidgen, right?!

All I have to say is watch out Mr. Scientist, you are about to meet a very well balanced, well feed and most likely fully clothed young lady this weekend. Me-ow.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Let me pencil you in...

Upcoming schedule:

Wednesday: Dinner Date with Mr. Nice Guy. Been there, done that, have yet to decide what the final destination is. Its always a good time and good conversation.

Stress Level: 1

Saturday: The first Blind Date of my life... well, lets call it a blind meet up. My friend's scientist boyfriend wants me to meet his Scientist Roommate. So, I acquiesced. We will have my friend and her scientist as company so hopefully it will be a blast.

Stress Level: 6

TBA: Lunch meeting with The Beautiful One. I have no idea where this idea for lunch came from and am analyzing way too much. Received email asking for the lunch to happen "soon" today. Candidate was engaged last time I checked.

Stress Level: 9

Life is good.

Monday, March 23, 2009


Well, as an anti-climactic update to last time, The Beautiful One never called. Oh, wait, emailed.

So, I moved on.

And have two dates this week.


Thursday, March 19, 2009

Data Process: Overdrive

I got an email today.

The kind of email that you see in your inbox and could pee in your pants from the excitement and can hardly wait to pop it open and devour each and every individual word on the the screen.

I met him 9 months ago. It was through work so I had talked to him on the phone a couple times, completely oblivious to his utter embodiment of the perfection of the human species. Helpful, friendly but just another dude on the phone.

Then our paths crossed for a semi-interactive meeting for the most part of a day and I was just about floored by his beauty 1) because I hardly ever think guys are all that cute. I mean, movie stars and such but they are paid to be beautiful, but really, the female species just is the more beautiful of the two genders and 2) there are no young sexy men in this town 3) He was not a total jerk, he was quite the opposite in fact.

He was amazing. He was amazing at meetings. He was amazing at leading. He was amazing at vocalizing his internal thoughts. He was amazingly helpful. We were taking the power of meetings to new levels that day. It was the best meeting of my life. (That statement is not overly dramatic because meetings just suck.)

So, I flirted my bestest, flaunted my professional young working woman skills my bestest and mentioned an event that weekend I would so be involved in that he should so totally come to.

He came. With his skinny blond girlfriend... no, excuse me. With his skinny blonde fiance.

Monday I followed up from the meeting, suggested lunch sometime. He said let him know, he would be happy to go. But I dropped it. I liked him and I would either like him alone or be a home-wrecker so it was a loose loose.

So, today, 9 months later, no communication or weekend community events since, I get an email.

Here's the gist:


Can't believe its been 9 months since I last saw you. What have you been up to in your fabulous life?

Something about the weather... business is picking back up, blah blah blah.

I like this town. Blah Blah.

We should have lunch sometime and catch up. If you have time to squeeze me in that would be great.

-The Beautiful One

So, there are a couple ways to read this:

A) Straight forward. Just checking in on a business contact because he's a nice, business guy and I'm a nice business girl. Lets do lunch it the epitome of nice business people lingo.

B) Ulterior Professional Motive. He just wants his business to sell sometime to my business. Its only an attempt to battle the economy and throw some money at the bottom line

C) Ulterior Personal Motive. They broke up. He needs his beautiful, professional, budding leader female counterpart in his almost perfect little life. He wants to see me.

So, I responded, cute but professional. Said I would love to go, we could even discuss work issue A over appetizers. Just let me know when.

So, I'm sure I'm over analyzing since my brain just has super powers like that BUT its kinda fun and is a reason to get up and go to work tomorrow and check my email.

Joy is always found in the small things.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Sometimes I don't suck at this

I usually feel like the worst christian ever.

  • am a flirt
  • kiss boys
  • drink alcohol
  • love clothes
  • judge people
  • love to go out
  • am always late for church
  • am self absorbed
  • recognize when people are douche bags
  • tell people when they are douche bags
  • blog about people when they are douche bags (can't remember if that has happened yet.. but it will.)

So, I feel rather fallen at times and frustrated with myself. Why must I bat my eyes so much when a guy is just so darn cute and single? Surely real christian chicks would never do that. They can woo men with their subliminal purity and wholenessness.

Why do I crave the faint smell of cigarette smoke, darkness and crowdedness of bars? If I didn't frequent those places I could probably refrain from explaining to the people I meet there exactly why they are a douche bag and just how to go about fixing their douche-related problem.

Recently I have hung out with several people who are not christians. I have several awesome friends who do not believe and just acknowledge that we differ on some aspects but are bottom line simply my friend.

With two of my friends recently on separate occasions my "sex life" has come up. The conversations though on different days went basically the same.

"So, you and Mr. Nice Guy never did it?"


"I mean, like not a little bit?"

"What does that even mean?"

"Ok, how long were you together?"

"Three years."

"And you never DID IT??


"Didn't you want to?"

"Sure, sometimes. But you don't always do what you want. We are waiting."

"That's kinda cool. I wish I could be like that."

That was just about the coolest thing that could have come of that conversation. I actually became a little proud of myself. The more flamboyant of my friends began telling me how I was an absolute vixen (I had to request the definition for that... no one has ever called me that before and wanted to know exactly what she meant by this) and that I gave off an aura of something or another. Not so sure if I am supposed be proud of this second part of the conversation since the only definition for vixen was vixen which is the most annoying variety of a response when requesting an explanation.

People have also been trying to set me up on blind dates recently. I've tried to be open to possibilities but I haven't been able to get past the fact that I simply cannot go on a date with someone without knowing if they are a christian or not.

So, this is how I decided to approach it the other day.

Friend's boyfriend: "You should meet my roommate. He's single and I think you would like him."

Me: "Sweet. Is he hot?"

Friend's boyfriend: "The girls think so."

Me: "Well, I'm probably not interested."

Friend's boyfriend: "What?"

Me: "I'm not having sex till I'm married" (fyi, I am basically screaming this since we are at a restaurant in a party of 15 in a crowded inner city sports bar"

Friend's boyfriend: "Ooook"

Then one of my friends told me about how innocent all my friends are. Dang, we just attend church and keep our pants on. We are people too.

So, the moral of the story is I am actually a little encouraged from seeing my life through other peoples eyes in that a) I'm actually not doing everything in the world wrong and b) two of my friends that need a little inspiration saw it in me.

Maybe I can keep the list!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Roll Call

The Boy: Mr. Nice Guy

Age: 25

Relative Location: 60 miles away

Attraction: Nice, understanding, faithful, consistent, easy to get along with, eats healthy

Most recent contact: Today. Phone call at work just checking on me.

Dilemma: We used to date. Lacks perception for the future. The future as in tomorrow. Have to hit him over the head with a 2x4 to make a point.

The Boy: Mr. Big

Age: 26

Relative Location: 700 miles away

Attraction: Completely impossible to understand, extremely intelligent but oblivious, aloof, absolute blast to hang with

Most recent contact: text today reading "I just got two sweet rats. You need to meet them."

Dilemma: Distance, maturity (hence the rat babies), serial forgetfulness, inconsistent communication, my utter unwavering attraction


The Boy: Mr. New Guy

Age: Unknown. Estimated Guess: low 30s

Relative Location: Local

Attraction: Seemingly together, active church member (attends same small group), fairly cute, friendly but a bit shy, doesn't wear a wedding ring

Most recent contact: Brief exchange of words yesterday in church parking lot

Dilemma: He might be 40


That's the basics of my love life currently.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

What Happens in High School, Stays in High School

Or so it should....

I reunited with my high school click this weekend. We were the fabulous three, the three musketeers, the terrific trio, etc. from 6th grade until graduation. We were poorly dressed, had bad hair and would call one another and all wear overalls (**gag**) on the same day. Since my singledom has reached new levels as has the boringness of my small town, I have been going out on weekends with random people from random places in different places.

I literally ate out every night last week in a different city each night. Lonliness is never wallet friendly. Living alone, the only human interaction I get is at work (and one can't live on that alone unless they want to grow female facial hair) or out in public. Having people over is another good option but i personally prefer to get out of the house.

Anyway, this rainy desolate weekend we all drove to be together at friend #1s place. To make a long story short, friend #1 and friend #2 got into a crying, throwing things, screaming fight and friend #2 asked me to take her home and for everyone's safety and my sanity, I did with the help of the precious garmin (aparently the only other sane thing around that night). So, I left at 2 a.m., drove an hour, dropped her off, and then needing the solitude, safety, and soft bed my own life and home offers, drove the next two hours home. In the rain. With almost no gas. With few fond memories. In wet socks.

I made it home safe but am so glad this weekend is over. I can so not take drama. I am getting old.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Lottery

I had an epiphany today. It seems as though the bulk of men who request my attention (aka stalk, cat call, email me through work email, approach me in public, wait for me after class, etc.) are just weird. How do I express this without sounding completely rude, mean, snobbish, or insulting?

Ok, by weird, I suppose I mean:
  • Socially awkward, incompetent or clueless
  • Not exactly physically attractive (And I am pretty open to looks but some people just look weird)
  • Under Achiever
  • Under or Un- Employed
  • Failed to Launch
  • Poor Credit (Not that I know but if one makes minimum wage and wants to buy me dinner when one has to pay for an apartment and all related expenses of life, it typically signifies unrealistic financial attitudes)
  • Some combination of divorced, pays child support (reluctantly or not at all), much older, married, or lying about one of the above

Perhaps its me but other than smoker boy who was sweet inside bless his heart, I don't typically indulge these people, not saying that there are not exceptional people that can hold some of the above qualities, but overall the above are not typically desirable, especially when coming in pairs, trios, or all of the above.

So I wondered, why are the weird ones the only ones looking, making effort and interested in me? Today it hit me, what do they have to loose? Why not aim for a girl who is polite to them, has a steady job, college degree, her own place, no children, no husband, no scary ex, and is decent looking. (And I have fabulous wardrobe of course) Its like playing the lottery. One day you just might get lucky.

The people you see winning the lottery look like they probably needed it. Have you ever seen a WASP in a tie accepting the big check from LOTTO (insert name of state) in the paper? The papers here usually show people missing teeth, in t-shirts, that probably purchase their daily lotto ticket with their daily (insert vice of choice).

Asking me or any other 20 something girl without too much baggage for some one on one time is the same idea.

What do I have to loose?

Dignity? Overrated.

Time? What else do I have to do.

Money (Considering one accepts)? Its just another ticket, i'll keep playing the game.

So basically, I'm a free lottery ticket. Next time, I'll just ask them to hand over their dollar.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

As a slight update, I let smoker boy know that I felt it was best we did not see one another any longer as I didn't see it going anywhere. I left it brief and straight forward. I was pretty proud of myself and wished others of the male species would be so upfront with me sometimes so I didn't have to go through the "does he or doesn't he like me" game over and over again. He bounced back in response that while he respected my decision, he never saw us as anything more than friends and felt like we could be great friends. I'm sticking to my original call though... it was just odd and I'm glad to go on from there.

I went to a small group study at church tonight. It was an odd but good experience. I sat with a couple that has 8 children, a man who said this is the first time he has been out socially in the past eight years, a silent guy and my sister. It was a good night overall.

As this weekend was the first warm weekend of the season, one of my best guy friends and I decided to make good use of my screened in porch and laid out sleeping bags on the floor and enjoyed our afternoon reading. My sister was coming over and I peaked out on the porch and our bags had ended up completely next to one another, without and inch between. I was running around doing a couple things and asked my friend,

"Will you move our bags apart so my sister doesn't think anything weird of it?"

"Sure, I'll make sure there's enough room for the holy spirit between us!"

From there he stuck his arms out straight in front of him, not unlike a zombie, and started swaying back and forth with his head cocked to the side, eyes wide open and mouth held awkwardly.

"Are you impersonating the holy spirit???" I asked half laughing, half confused.

"No!!!" He replies, "Its middle school dancing, where you hold the other person far enough away. My dad always said to leave room for the holy spirit!"

The vision of him supposedly acting out the holy spirit was too much, we both died laughing. It was a great Sunday afternoon.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The Pity Date that Haunts

Smoker boy came by my work today. We had a semi-date the other night ending in me feigning exhaustion, an awkward hug and me discovering his sweater magically left behind. Ok, actually, college boyfriend (separated sense) found it by spilling beer on it. Lucky he's oblivious and apologized for intoxicating my sweater.

I've successfully eluded another social encounter with Smoker boy as I am too chicken to tell him I am a bit turned off by his rotting insides (hello, how long have we known smoking kills?) and incessant talking that I don't follow and just nod my head to. I know I must but I need time to muster up the courage. Well, he had to reclaim his clothing so he came by with coffee in hand, stories in mouth and longing in eyes. If only I could be so elusive with guys I like it might actually make them adore me as smoker boy just kept trying trying trying to score another outside of the workplace encounter.

I smiled yet remained non inviting. These signals should be sufficient.

He stayed, desperately waiting for me to reciprocate his desires, until my phone rang and I was actually needed to do my job rather than be courted as a young 20 something should be.

So if you've only had one semi-date, what is the best way to end advances without being awkward? Ugh. I feel so bad. How do I let these things slip up on me?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


My church showed the movie Fireproof the other day. The movie was amazing to say the least. This was the first movie I have seen focused on the importance of keeping a marriage alive, how to go about that, and what role basic Christian faith plays in our relationships. It showed a young couple (early 30s maybe) living a regular life and struggling with communication and emptiness. All over, the movie was just real. It showed real houses, real cars, real clothes, real emotions and real faith. It also showed what a large role work plays in your life... many TV shows only show little bits of families at work... think of Friends, mostly we see them in the apartment, the coffee shop, or out on the town. Sure, they are at work some, but mostly at home. Fireproof focused on showing what life really entails and how hard it can be to have a happy, successful marriage. It even showed fast food, such a normal scene in my life but you hardly ever see a character holding a take out bag and a logo-ed cup with a straw.

I took away from the movie that marriage takes such incredible amounts of work... and the willingness to face up to hard things and handle whatever comes. So many people like to glaze over confrontation, ignore issues and only deal with the good. Those people can be attractive and fun since they refuse the deal with what is not fun. The crazy love people sometimes come across is cancerous with these issues. If someone keeps parts of them closed off, secretive and minimize conflict, issues and concerns, their ability to function in a healthy marriage is slim to none. Being able to talk to someone about anything, without it escalating into a battle, is key to being compatible in the long run with someone.

I know marriage is a long time away for me but being a goal oriented person (and a girl) I know that is what I am ultimately looking for one day and want to be as prepared as I can for this huge step. Even if you are not married or struggling with divorce, this movie is relevant to everyone.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Assets - Equity = Liabilities

I'm not going to lie, I've been pretty down lately on the prospect of finding good male companionship. I have great friends (of both genders), a great life and lots of things to be thankful for. On top of that, I'm a fairly normal chick, take care of myself and consider myself fairly good company. However, I feel as though I get little notice or appreciation from the opposite sex and at times wonder if guys are at all interested in the female gender. I read an article one day some where and a quote that stuck with me went something like this:

"Girls look at a a relationship and see love, the future, security, companionship and safety. Guys look at a relationship and see responsibility, financial commitment, lost freedom and accountability. It is a wonder guys ever commit to a girl at all."

This look at the varying perspectives of commitment rings true all too often I am sure, but the fact that relationships, engagements and marriages do happen prove that this is worked through in some way time and time again. However, I now can't seem to shake this idea of being seen as a liability to a man and my heart is troubled by this concept. I've attributed my somewhat male attention dry spell to this idea but after spending some time out and about this weekend, I did notice that things are not so impossible and difficult as I have been thinking they are. Here are a couple gestures made this weekend that have given me hope that the male gender still realizes the intrinsic worth of the amazing female population:

  • Two guys asked me to tell them who had the better accent... both from opposite sides of the world. I openly declared my honest choice and their reactions were ridiculous, showing me they place a good bit of their self worth in the female opinion.
  • Four... wait no, five guys offered to buy me a drink this weekend. I even accepted two offers. No lasting connections but hey... there they are biting that financial commitment bullet!
  • I gave one guy my card and he used it. The next day. How is that for being responsible. (Baby steps are the most exciting ones!)
  • Guys are pretty shy. A couple approached me that I was not especially interested in and cocking my head a certain way could send them running with their tail between their legs to the other side of the room. That persistence thing they show in movies is rarely around in real life... at least in my real life.
  • They are kinda dumb too. One little guy came up while a weird one was talking to me. As an out, I exclaimed the the little guy, "OMG! I haven't seen you in so long! How are you!" He replied, "What is your name??" (totally blowing my plan for excusing myself from the weird guy) I tried to keep it up but he was lost. I had to cock my head at him for that.
So, thanks to all the guys that appreciated some females this weekend. Your advances really are flattering and appreciated. Connections are one in a million so for now, I'm satisfied with the thought that a couple guys overcame the burdens their gender roles carry and talked to a liability like me.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Putting Pen to Paper...

Life is ever changing. Everyday I come to realize that more. Things constantly change around me and it is so easy to get caught up in the commotion and not really see or consider what is actually taking place. I often write things in my head as I walk through this little life... I have a file in my head full of mostly forgotten dissertations, conversations, letters and lectures. Though they hold little importance on a large scale, hopefully they hold some simple truths about life, love and learning. To better preserve and develop these writings, I am setting out to record some here in cyber space. Feel free to laugh, argue and commiserate with my musings. Much Love...