Thursday, April 30, 2009

So, a young single dude likes me.

Yup. Unmarried. No kids. Got a job.

But, hes like 5 ft even.

And made the mistake of asking Hubby to "hook him up."

And he ignores me in public even though we totally know each others names. Up until this news from hubby, I thought he hated me.

So, at least I have an admirer. But I can't date a man that is a snot to women.

Act your age. Be a man. Be nice to the girls you like. And don't go through the At Work Hubby.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Memoirs of a Modern Day Geisha

Lets start by saying no, a geisha is not synonymous with prostitute. I am in no way sharing memoirs of my recently turned trick.

So, if you haven't read the book, a geisha is an entertainer of men. These men are usually older and hire geisha to attend their parties in order to enjoy their presence. And, geisha don't marry. Their life is their work. Wikipedia puts it best when explaining the nature of the relationships between geisha and the men they entertain:

"Geisha engagements may include flirting with men and playful innuendos; however, clients know that nothing more can be expected. In a social style that is common in Japan, men are amused by the illusion of that which is never to be."

After reading the enthralling book, Memoirs of a Geisha, I have started to see similarities of these geisha/men relationship in my own reality. Most of my male encounters these days are with older, married men, due to the nature of work I am in. I am one of the only younger people around so these men, like I referred to in my previous entry, just take to me. It has blown my mind how they can be so over the age difference, life experience difference, and um, they are married difference, and just dote on me, telling me I'm beautiful, getting borderline mushy at work parties after a few drinks and just simply helping me when I just need a man to get it done.

The thing that blew my mind about the book is basically the same, these men hiring geisha are mostly all married, much older and have lived totally different lives. However, they have this need and yearning and love for young women. Then you look at Bible times and so many leaders in the Bible had several wives. Its an ancient practice no longer accepted now, but I clearly see these remaining whimpers of desires in the grown men around me.

For example, one man at work, with a position similar to Sayuri's Danna (Danna... man who supports a Geisha for a length of time) from the book, called The Chairman, is a friendly 50 year old man that is funny, takes time to listen to his employees, a bit scattered, but has a good heart and is someone I can call a friend. He makes no effort to hide that he thinks I'm attractive or that he enjoys my presence.
One day I was having an awful day. I was stressed from work but the main thing bothering me was the night before due to exhaustion I had a major distaste at my house... a bookshelf fell while packing up items to decorate at a wedding for that weekend, breaking a ton of my decorations, some handmade, and I had no one to help me put everything back together and clean up the remains. It made me feel so utterly alone. The Chairman walked by my office, stopped in and asked me, "What's wrong?" Those two words were all it took and the whole story and a river of tears just came tumbling out of me. Chairman listened and offered to help me get all the remaining items to the event, help unload and set up so I wouldn't have to go it alone. And he did. In the pouring rain. For an outside wedding.

You can call it friendship, and yes, it is. But now after reading the book and seeing into these relationships of the past, it seems a bit different than friendship. That day he was different than a friend. He didn't want anything more than friendship but enjoyed his ability to bail me out and be the hero of the day. And whatever illusions he had in his head.

My question is (other than what should I establish my hourly entertainment rate at... jk) do other women experience this in their life? Where do you draw the line? Should I cut off friendship knowing these guys are borderline geisha lovers? And how the heck did I get classified in the geisha group rather than the wife group? (Not saying I want to marry these old dudes, just saying why is the male attention I get from the old married and not young single.)

Maybe because I'm not chomping at the bit to get married. Maybe because I break up with my sweet boyfriend after two years because I don't know what love is. Maybe because I see the sweetness in these married men and am glad I have at least someone to turn to when everything crumbles to the floor and I'm alone with a smoking car or furniture to move or broken pieces of home decor all over the floor.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Hubby vs. The Hero

When being single, 20 something, in a city with no family and living alone, (and being charming as I totally am doesn't hurt) the surrounding random men begin to sort of "take ownership" of my well being. Whether I like it or not.

For example, the old retired, eccentric man that lives across the street from me picks up all the sticks from my yard and pulls my trash to the curb each week. Kinda weird when he goes through my trash but I just look on the bright side (no touching dirty trash cans) and move on.

At work though, it gets a little deeper since that's where I spend the majority of my time. After a while, you get to know people and they get to know you. Well, I think I may have eluded to At Work Hubby before. He is a cute decade or so older than me divorced dude living his own single and fabulous life. He's charming and flirty and so even though he has a son my little sisters age, I enjoy our witty exchanges. We occasionally have lunch together and crash each other's offices to complain to each other about our day, issues or personal lives. He brings me snacks from meetings, lifts my heavy boxes and calls me when we work late to poke at me. He's pretty cool but best left as a friend (a point I make plenty clear) but he has decided that nobody else better be my friend like he is.

Well, another guy, Super Hero, took a liking to me from the beginning. He is married with 2 cute little boys and is in his 30s. However, he continues to bring me little goodies, drops by to talk, brings be Starbucks, changed my tire when he found out it was airless, gets worried about me and calls me to see if I'm ok and even gave me flowers on my birthday.

Sometimes Super Hero makes me a little nervous in that he is married and is so dang nice to me. So, what else should I do but talk to At Work Hubby about it for the male point of view. Well, At Work Hubby has gotten pretty dang jealous of Super Hero. Super Hero is just through the roof with his thoughtfulness, speediness and resourcefulness and even though Hubby I actually consider a friend, which gives him the best position, he can't stand me having a Super Hero in my life.

So, Super Hero and I have been working on this huge project together lately. Well, poor Hubby has to walk past my door to go to the elevator, bathroom, exit, etc., but mostly the bathroom. So here are Super Hero and I, huddled up in my office over our project for hours and hours while poor Hubby walks by for his morning, noon, afternoon, mid-afternoon pee only to see us laughing eating, drinking and being merry while chipping away at our task at hand.

Well, Hubby got onto me one afternoon (I mean, what is this? He totally takes this hubby thing seriously) picking on me about hanging with Super so much. Despite my many explanations, he got all pissy and pouty of course leading me to lecture him on how he needed to get his own life and quit worrying about mine.

So, the next day, Super and I are finishing up our project when here comes Hubby for his morning pee. Well, this time, rather than passing by, Hubby decides to take a new route and comes into my office and proceeds to put on a beautiful act of shaking hands with Super, patting backs, throwing around "How YOU doin?s" and playing catch up like old friends. (How many times did he see the back of his head yesterday while going to the bathroom) So I sit there while Hubby thoroughly enjoys his new found way to crash our "party."

Finally after all the, "Hows the WIFE" and "How're the BOYS, a.k.a. your CHILDREN" I tell hubby he is going to pee his pants if he gets anymore excited about catching up with Super and that he better get on his ridiculous way to the bathroom so we can finish our project.

They nervously laugh and hubby leaves to go pee.

Little boys and their little battles. Hubby should have just invited Super to go play swords if he wants to fight about it.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A Black Sheep in Love

One of my friend's little sisters is getting married. Its one of those jaw dropping naysayer inspiring situations. She has kinda been one of those "black sheep" children. Daughter of ultra conservative christian parents, she had done her own thing, not sought their approval and been extremely independent while her other siblings relied pretty heavily on them. She was the one that when all the siblings got in trouble, she purposely stirred the pot to make a point that no one could control her. Throughout high school and college she continued to stress that point while doing her own thing and going for what she wanted. She has been pretty successful, had fun along the way, had her share of troubles, but overall succeeded and given her parents a good bit of grief along the way.

I too have always tried to keep my parents at arms length and do it my own dang self. Once at about age 10, I spilled watercolor paints all over my sweet white bedroom carpet. After scrubbing it with one of our pink bathroom washcloths and had only proven mastery of co-mingling the blue with the yellow with the green with the red, I decided rather than asking mommy for the carpet cleaner and her stain removing expertise why not just handle it internally and eliminate the problem? So, I just cut off the top layer of carpet, tossed it in the trash and went about my painting. Twas a beautiful day. (Yes, I got in trouble later despite my moderately convincing denial)

I've struggled with the conservative, restrictive parents and a free, curious spirit pretty much all my life. My crazy internal rebellious self gets pleasure from doing things my own way, apart from however my parents would like me to do it. I love to prove them wrong by succeeding on my own terms... when they would have never recommended that route. This often gets me in trouble because sometimes I do things they would hate that are not for any fruitful purpose, and I should probably just listen to them and take their advice.

Being an independent girl and whimsical, unconventional weirdo at that, its hard to simply fall into a christian homes expectations. I have a need to figure things out myself and that often means trial and error whether that's a good thing or not. While I have a desire to be different I also do have an underlying desire to simply be good, follow God and be at peace with my parents and their wishes.

So, let me relate all this back to my original story. Well, Black Sheep Daughter has dated all over the playing field. Older guys, frat guys, non-christian guys and stupid lesser than her guys. Most recently she out of the blue broke it off with a sweet (but rather boring in my opinion) long term boy. One month later, she got a text from a cute, but extremely aloof, outspoken, silly, crazy guy from this little bitty church they go to. From there they were basically inseparable. Hes a crazy christian guy and she has since given up all forms of drinking, her plans to live in a major city post graduation miles away from her parents and accepted his proposal (of marriage!) 3 months after receiving the first text message. Now, merely two months later, she is just days away from tying the knot.

Its been so fast. And her parents approve so much. And she hangs out with him with her parents. A lot. Everyone is gawking at the speed of the relationship, the change in black sheep daughter and her complete okayness with settling down at 21 as a little tee-totalling, parental loving housewife.

I was pretty shocked at first too. But now I get it. Being restless and rebellious and self gratifying are only symptoms of situations and beliefs... not character traits. No one wants to be a black sheep, or sinful or independent to a fault. We just want to be loved. Black Sheep Daughter finally saw through her choices and saw what was important. She finally saw how she could live with her beliefs and be herself. And she saw it in this crazy, unconventional boy who fell in love with her craziness and her love of God underneath all the rebelling.

We all have this desire to be one with God, to be loved by God and others and to love God and others our own self. We also all have the natural tendency to run from this because of our selfishness and human tendencies. In Black Sheep Daughter's love story I see her winning this battle.

I am not saying I need the love of a man to help me win my battle but that her story inspires me to keep fighting it and that what I truly want and need will win in the end.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Formal Events, Blow Up Sex Toys and a Darn Good Man

It might be true most of the time to say no two days at my work are ever the same. Well, It was never more true than today.

So, sometimes I plan events for my work. We have a big, formal dinner in honor of the clients tomorrow that I have been planning for some weeks now. The president of the company is coming, the CEO is speaking and everyone has been running around looking for the "perfect" outfit.

So, I ordered a great big expensive backdrop custom made to drape across the back wall and accent the room. Its gorgeous. A night view of the city taken by a professional photographer. Its one of those photographs that make all the lights in the city glisten like stars. Over done I know but I am catering to my audience. Modern art they would see us as too forward and move on. Anyway, due to the many layers of approvals, sign-offs and proofs, the backdrop was not coming in until today, the day before the event.

This is pretty typical. People always hold out until the last minute and I have other crap to do so I'm not worried. I got back from lunch today and saw the package outside my door and clapped my hands in joy. I drug the thing in my office and got to work, not having time to take it out. I knew what it looked like anyway. We could just unpack and hang the following day.

Well, Office Neighbor came in and wanted to take a look so we opened it up. It had some odd packaging in it that I disregard as repurposed cushioning material (since backdrops needs big time cushioning.)

Office Neighbor pushed my non-inquisitiveness and proceeded to pull the entire thing out of the package. Well... it was pink. And curvy. And inflatable. And a she. Visions of Lars and the Real Girl start running through my head. Rather than my scintillating cityscape backdrop, I received a larger than life blow up sex toy.

Like, huge.

Thus, I stand in shock with Office Neighbor not knowing how to act. Soon, we begin dying laughing but on some level I'm still thinking my expensive time sensitive backdrop will some how unfold from the folds of this submissive seductress' plastic skirt.

So, I get on the phone and call my guy, the guy who I place regular orders with who had assured me this would be here right on time, and explain the situation.

"You are kidding me. Its not funny." He says.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are. Quit picking on me. You know I'm going to have a stroke if you do this to me."

"Favorite Middleman, I am not this funny. There is no way I could make this up. "

"Ok, let me make a call."

Favorite Middleman shows up unannounced in my office ten minutes later. I had already tidied up (except for the woman all over my floor. That i left out for effect) because what man would miss this hilarious/stimulating scene.

A couple phone calls later it unravels that my super expensive time is of the essence I need it tomorrow as in today is at some porn shop in south Florida. And guess where his time sensitive larger than life need it for the grand opening this weekend super-sized sex doll is.

So, Middleman leaves to say some things in appropriate for a young girl's sweet unknowing ears to witness and lays it on the line to old sex shop owner that he ain't seeing nothing of his sexy plastic friend until he overnights the cityscape.

So, I now have the cityscape on a plane somewhere.. or boat or bike, (I really don't care as long as it gets to me) headed straight to a particular Middleman who is going to bring it directly to my event and hang for me as well as complete any other last minute preparations that need to be done.

And I have a super-sized pretty in pink blond haired blue eyed half naked life of the party blow up sex toy in my office.


Monday, April 6, 2009

Sometimes, Just Ignore them.

So, I am pretty inclined to ask for and appreciate advice from the opposite sex. An insider perspective on the outsiders if you will. I enjoy conversing with them, listening to them and even debating with them. I tend to often believe most of what they say. Until I realized... they don't know what they are talking about.

So, for the good of humanity, I am happy to share with you my list of:

When a guy says it, just pat their head and do your own thing!

  1. "Oh, Please don't cut your hair! I just love it the way it is. It's so pretty long."

    I fell for this line spoken by my first serious college boyfriend. Hey, I liked long hair too. I didn't have time to cut my hair or money to pay for it. So as a sweet little affection seeking, people pleasing puppy would, I promised him a year hiatus from the beauty shop.

    Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

    While I was already at about 2-3 hair cuts per year, this is just uncalled for. First, the request is poorly founded since um, my hair isn't going to magically stop growing and "stay the way it is" for one year. Second, all things in life take maintenance.

    I am happy to say that I have moved past this misperception of non-hair cutting = super sexy locks and have an excellent relationship with my hair dresser. Short is actually much cuter and healthier looking on me!
  2. "I just love how close we are. We can be apart so long and just snap back to the way we were the last time we were together."

    Warning. This is a classic a plea for a booty call and a pathetic attempt to smooth over why he hasn't called for the past 6 months. "Wow, we are just sooooo close (aka in proximity, NOT emotionally) since its your mom's birthday and you are in town. You missed me soooo much. Lets just snap back together and forget you are a flaky butt hole." Um, no thank you.
  3. "To get a guy, act like a complete prude, denying him of any sexual indulgence. To keep a guy, turn into a freak."

    One of my over-sexed guy friends told me this theory. I don't know how this pans out in relationships that have activated the sexuality since I'm from the school of waiting until you are married to have sex. But basically, I just don't like the idea of manipulating a guy's emotions with sex, or that you have to be a freak to keep your boyfriend. He definitely watched way too much porn.
  4. "I just want a nice girl. I'm such a nice guy."

    I hear this a lot from Mr. Nice Guy's lonely roommate. By "I just want a nice girl" he means, she must be super hott, like violent movies, clean the dishes, only speak when spoken to and massage his feet every night. By "I'm such a nice guy" he means: I like couch. TV fun.
  5. "I'll clean it up later."

    They are just like kids. If they mess it up and walk out of the room, they assume the belief they did not mess it up.
  6. "I want like 10 kids!"

    No they don't. They are just being retarded. Don't sweat this one. I truly believe after you pop one out and make them change a diaper, one will just fine. Once they are over the drama and forget the bulk of it and you want more, the ball is totally in your court. (Like I know since I have so much experience in this.)
  7. "A little extra meat on the bones is ok."

    I actually think this one is true. Sure, some guys have tiny girl fetishes and simply cannot look at a girl above size 4 but I think most guys can't tell too much of a difference in one size from the sizes around it and understand that a roll here and there is not a huge deal.
  8. "Guys are simple creatures."

    Whatever. You all are as hard to understand as we are.
  9. "Tight clothes on girls are awesome."

    No. Wear clothes that fit properly. Just because guys are accepting of junk in the trunk doesn't mean the world should see it. Properly fitting clothes are much more slimming than the smallest size you can fit into. No one sees the size tag but you. If you are that paranoid, cut it off.
  10. "I'll call you."

    Sometimes, its the only way the guy knows how to close the conversation at the end of the night. People in general do not know how to follow through. If he doesn't, don't freak because he said he would. He was just air passing out of his mouth that sounded like that. If he does, how excited are you? You didn't even expect it.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Supply and Demand

It is just me or do men just have it so dang easy?

I thought the way it is set up is for the men to chase the woman. Pursuing. Courting. Chasing. Wooing. Those are all supposed to be the man's job.

Its actually improper to congratulate a woman who has just gotten engaged. You congratulate the man on his successful conquest of "winning" the woman. You tell the woman "Best Wishes" rather to wish her well in her new life.

However, it seems to be so often the women chasing the men (and therefore deserving the congrats). I think it comes down to supply and demand.

Last night I volunteered at an event. The volunteers at my station was comprised of a single mother, a single awkward 28 y/o professional dorky dude and me. When I describe this dude as awkward, it is almost an understatement. He still wore his khakis and yellow button-up shirt that barely contained his broad neck and belly. His dully brown thinning hair was coated in ultra hold gel. His face constantly held a look of bewilderment and an anxious unsure smile. When he talked he tried so hard to project his professionalism and mastery of his being it came across as a sickening self-love.

So, here this dude is, completely unattractive in most aspects and here are he approximate specs of visitor population that entered our station:
  • Female: 95%
  • Under 30 female: 50%
  • Unmarried Under 30 female: 30%
  • Attractive Unmarried Under 30 female: 25%
This guy had so many prospects cross his path simply volunteering on a Friday night that it was extremely disheartening. This guy would most likely be a complete bore to live with, is not much fun to look at and is even less fun to listen to babbling about corporate bull all night long. Yet, if he simply opened his mouth to ever 1 in 4 people that entered our station that night, he could have most likely scored several dates within the three short hours we were there.

Thankfully for my gag reflex, he did not attempt to score any dates that evening (he must realize he is too awkward to talk to women) but how is it that there are so many attractive unmarried under 30 females and almost zero attractive unmarried (or otherwise involved) under (or even a bit over) 30 males?

Thus, many women have turned into the pursuers and them the pursuees, spoiling them and turning them away from their original responsibility. And these poor women are going to end up with self-absord, over gelled drones like Awkward Dude and live to reap the consequences.

All I can do is sit back and hope there is a shift in the economy... or at least my personal one. I did enjoy micro-econ more than macro.