So, for the good of humanity, I am happy to share with you my list of:
When a guy says it, just pat their head and do your own thing!
- "Oh, Please don't cut your hair! I just love it the way it is. It's so pretty long."
I fell for this line spoken by my first serious college boyfriend. Hey, I liked long hair too. I didn't have time to cut my hair or money to pay for it. So as a sweet little affection seeking, people pleasing puppy would, I promised him a year hiatus from the beauty shop.
Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
While I was already at about 2-3 hair cuts per year, this is just uncalled for. First, the request is poorly founded since um, my hair isn't going to magically stop growing and "stay the way it is" for one year. Second, all things in life take maintenance.
I am happy to say that I have moved past this misperception of non-hair cutting = super sexy locks and have an excellent relationship with my hair dresser. Short is actually much cuter and healthier looking on me!
- "I just love how close we are. We can be apart so long and just snap back to the way we were the last time we were together."
Warning. This is a classic a plea for a booty call and a pathetic attempt to smooth over why he hasn't called for the past 6 months. "Wow, we are just sooooo close (aka in proximity, NOT emotionally) since its your mom's birthday and you are in town. You missed me soooo much. Lets just snap back together and forget you are a flaky butt hole." Um, no thank you.
- "To get a guy, act like a complete prude, denying him of any sexual indulgence. To keep a guy, turn into a freak."
One of my over-sexed guy friends told me this theory. I don't know how this pans out in relationships that have activated the sexuality since I'm from the school of waiting until you are married to have sex. But basically, I just don't like the idea of manipulating a guy's emotions with sex, or that you have to be a freak to keep your boyfriend. He definitely watched way too much porn.
- "I just want a nice girl. I'm such a nice guy."
I hear this a lot from Mr. Nice Guy's lonely roommate. By "I just want a nice girl" he means, she must be super hott, like violent movies, clean the dishes, only speak when spoken to and massage his feet every night. By "I'm such a nice guy" he means: I like couch. TV fun.
- "I'll clean it up later."
They are just like kids. If they mess it up and walk out of the room, they assume the belief they did not mess it up.
- "I want like 10 kids!"
No they don't. They are just being retarded. Don't sweat this one. I truly believe after you pop one out and make them change a diaper, one will just fine. Once they are over the drama and forget the bulk of it and you want more, the ball is totally in your court. (Like I know since I have so much experience in this.)
- "A little extra meat on the bones is ok."
I actually think this one is true. Sure, some guys have tiny girl fetishes and simply cannot look at a girl above size 4 but I think most guys can't tell too much of a difference in one size from the sizes around it and understand that a roll here and there is not a huge deal.
- "Guys are simple creatures."
Whatever. You all are as hard to understand as we are.
- "Tight clothes on girls are awesome."
No. Wear clothes that fit properly. Just because guys are accepting of junk in the trunk doesn't mean the world should see it. Properly fitting clothes are much more slimming than the smallest size you can fit into. No one sees the size tag but you. If you are that paranoid, cut it off.
- "I'll call you."
Sometimes, its the only way the guy knows how to close the conversation at the end of the night. People in general do not know how to follow through. If he doesn't, don't freak because he said he would. He was just air passing out of his mouth that sounded like that. If he does, how excited are you? You didn't even expect it.