Sometimes this is what I long for- hugs anytime I want, people to co-exist with and time to relax and not get caught-up in the weekend/evening rush of filling the time and loneliness with random entertainments and night scenes. Time to enjoy someone who knows me and I know them. Its a relaxed scene without masks, unknowns and wild cards. Gosh its nice to have that rest.
But then, I've never really been one to rest. One totally stagnant summer in my college days I definitively decided that I would choose to be overloaded than bored any day. So, when I get rested up, I'm thirsty for that sensory overload and have more energy for the work it takes to get out in the bustle and am even energized from it.
So that makes it really complicated when considering settling down, getting married, having kids, owning a home, folding clothes x2, having to cook from time to time, keeping pantries stocked and all those other things that the person you don't have to wear your mask around depends upon in a partnership.
Somewhere along the way I've picked up the advice that when "you know you know" or "when its right you'll know." But gosh, I like Harry and he likes me but marriage scares me to death! So based upon the above ideology, I would then be lead to believe, "when you don't know, the answer's no" or, "When it's wrong, you won't know." But I don't know if it's that simple. Gosh, I wish it was.
I tend to focus on everything that's wrong with us- all the things that bother me- because those are the areas of improvement, right? The other things are in the bag- up to par, so lets attack, analyze and obsess over those other top 10 items in the SWOT analysis under W and T.
Like, why the heck did he buy a freaking 4-bedroom house in no-mans land? He only uses the living room and bedroom (well, and both bathrooms) for goodness sake (oh man, come to thing of that, my stupid toilet is waiting for me to unclog it, UGH, come on, its TOILET PAPER! WHY are you clogging with mere PAPER. Love the 'efficient' water saving feature but when I have to flush 3 times to get the job done, it counter acts this selling point!! And I only have one bathroom by the way so it is mission essential). Anyway, It takes 20-30 minutes to get to any decent store, restaurant or venue and another 30 to get out of the suburbs into the city. And, I never thought of myself as a gold digger but his attitude towards money and finances is REALLY an issue. He can't go overseas with me this summer because of $$ and I'm pretty sure he is the higher earner- and has 5 years of working on me (which should equate to 5 years of savings, right? Especially living at home for the starting out years?). I have this ideal that a man should be able to take care of me. My mom stayed home, my sister stays home. I like working and having a life not centered on the home but I really like the idea that my man can take care of me 100%. Thats manly to me.
So that rant being said, what's under S & O? His strengths include loyalty, 100% dedication to me, communication and his ability to relate to me. He writes me emails everyday during the week still. Some are just day to day conversation but some are just sweet little things he wants to keep in the front of my mind. He tells me his intentions- to be with me. He wants me and all of me. He finds me attractive inside and out and I don't have to feel any doubt of not living up to his ideals. He wants to be my other, accompany me as I go about my life and me to be by his side as he goes about his. He is very particular- he wants the best and will work for it. He keeps his house impeccably clean, sends really pretty flowers and remembers details. Opportunities include a partnership, a lifetime of enriching one another. Being with someone that only wants one kid (maaaaaybe two if the first one goes reeeeeeaaaaaally well) and having those little major things in harmony with one another. Also, on the more surface level, having someone to follow you to the car place, keep you from being completely miserable during a stomach flu and share trash duty with (actually, I'm happy to give that one up 100% :).
So, all that poured out, is it my love for variety, unknowns and autonomy that are confusing me and keeping me from wanting to plan a June wedding or is it my 20/20 vision of all the threats and weaknesses? Sure, time reveals all but I'm tired of waiting. I waited 3 years with Mr. Nice Guy. Harry and I are coming up on a year and I'm ready for some answers.
So, here's to all the other impatient, confused and searching souls out there. May we enjoy a night on the town AND a night on the couch in the near future to appease our bipartisan needs.
I'm really glad that you're back to blogging. :)
ReplyDeleteI had a friend who went through something similar before she was getting married. She was so close to having cold feet, and was just getting eaten by this fear that he wasn't the right guy for her. I knew better than that and told her to suck it up and go through with it. We sat in the Panera parking lot for a good hour talking through it all. They're happily married now, and you can be too. :)
What is it about marriage that scares you so much? Is it the idea of there never being anyone else? I heard from a friend something like "you know you know" when you move from "i could live without this person" to "i can't live without them." I wish I could remember the right words, but that's pretty close.
And that's my advice, coming from a single-at-the-moment, never married, never engaged female. :)